I have never written a love letter in my life. I never wrote one to a teenage crush, an idolized celebrity, anyone I’ve ever dated, or even my wife. I don’t know why I haven’t. Maybe because I could never adequately say what I always wanted to say or express how I felt without feeling vulnerable or embarrassed. So now at 26 years old I am going to write my first love letter, or rather an explanation of love. The focus of my affection is the album Siamese Dream by the Smashing Pumpkins. After a ton of reflection, this is my favorite album of all time. No other album makes me feel as good, nostalgic, romantic, and downright invincible time and time again.
Music is interesting in the fact that music is not isolated and alone on an island. Music is surrounded by so many various things; world events, life events, a frame of mind, individual frames of reference, shitty arguments with shitty people, etc. And this is different for every single person in the world. I happened to grow up in the 90’s. I am endlessly nostalgic for this time. A time that was pre-internet and contained house phones. I also don’t think I would want to experience those years through any other lenses than that of a suburban kid who spent most of his days inside a fantasy world. To cut straight to the chase, there is no way I could enjoy Siamese Dream as much as I currently do if it was released today. Yes the music contained within the album is amazing, and it would assuredly be my ‘Album of the Year’ or some intellectual bullshit, but it would not have the same resonance. I fucking pay taxes now! I have a (currently) unfulfilling career! When SD was released in the summer of 1993 I was 8 years old. My life was amazing. It was nothing but summer evenings, still believing I was going to play in the NBA or MLB, days at the pool club, running through subdivisions and general bliss. No responsibilities. What a time to be alive! I didn’t really know it, but I got the general impression that there was something special about the early 1990’s. In that summer, alternative rock and grunge were humming along. It was like 1967 all over again (I realize that now). I had no knowledge of the world outside or the world as it was before. I only knew the world on a daily or future basis. My life was in my head full of fantasy and wonder. In that summer when MTV was king, the videos for ‘Today’, ‘Rocket’, and ‘Disarm’ seared themselves into my brain; into my subconscious. The dreamy surrealism of the ice cream truck ‘Today’ video and the childhood space travel fantasy of ‘Rocket’ made me feel good. It’s like Billy Corgan was just like me but older and taller or something. They were just so cool. I know of no other adjective to describe how I felt then, but imagining me being eight, I have to believe I really thought of no bigger words.
Back to Siamese Dream. To me Siamese Dream was so hopeful, so beautiful, and full of love and anger. It was the sound of a band (or a guy named Billy) that thought they were amazing but really weren’t totally sure of it yet. It was not yet completely validated. This throughout the history of music has always been where artists typically make their best work. They project confidence and act like they are unstoppable, but as they lay in bed at night they wonder if it is all bullshit and their dream is going to crumble away. This is how I imagine the Smashing Pumpkins in 1992/1993 as they recorded this album. With this mixture of emotion and timing they created a stunning album that has resonated with me for over 20 years, on every emotional level. When Billy sings, “Ask yourself a question/Anyone but me/Are you free?” through one of the most beautiful outro/codas in music history on ‘Hummer’, I can’t help but feel it on more than an auditory level. It’s almost the perfect 90’s line. The sense of dreaminess and freedom mixed with slacker attitude. I can’t think of another single album where there are sonic maelstroms of alternative angst (‘Cherub Rock’, ‘Geek USA’, ‘Silverfuck’) so masterfully intertwined with beautiful floating grace (‘Mayonnaise’, ‘Soma’, ‘Luna’). It also doesn’t hurt that Billy Corgan was able to somehow find the perfect guitar tone and sound at all times.
This album to me is everything. It is innocence, it is imagination, it is bliss, it is beautiful, it is angry, and it is love. It is why I still hold out hope for every new Smashing Pumpkins release and have love/hate battles with Billy Corgan daily. The ‘Pumpkins would go on to become huge stars. They would also create an outstanding double album, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Saddness. That album is also wonderful but by this time, Billy Corgan had always known that he was amazing, but now everyone told him so, so he couldn’t write the same type of songs that would resonate the way Siamese Dream’s do. He replaced the wide-eyed wonderment with pomp and circumstance. For me the Smashing Pumpkins, despite consistently being an excellent band until the original incarnation disbanded, would never recapture the glory of this album, but maybe nothing they could create would, because they could never recreate the way it feels being young an innocent. Somehow Billy knew how this album felt and what it captured. That is why he put two laughing little girls on the cover and why this is my perfect album
